Brian Regan – Cranberry Juice

I don’t know what in the hell’s going on with cranberries, but they’re getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. “Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do…

Larry the Cable Guy – Do Not Eat

Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, “Do not eat.” Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin’, “Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that….

Mulla Nasrudin – Bravo

Nasrudin went hunting with the village mayor. They found a turkey, and the mayor shot and missed it. “Bravo!” Nasrudin shouted. The mayor angrily turned to him and said, “How dare you make fun of me!” “I wasn’t making fun of you,” Nasrudin replied. “I was saying bravo to the turkey!”

Ellen DeGeneres – Elevators

We always do this in an elevator. You walk up to an elevator. Someone’s already there. They’re waiting. They’ve pushed the button. The button is lit. We walk up. ‘Obviously, you didn’t push it correctly. I’ll have to push it myself. Now the elevator will come.’ Then someone else walks up, and they push the…

Chester Feynman – US History

I like talking to people. Really, I do. But the drawback to talking to people is that you find out how dumb they are. And then they confirm it over and over again. That’s generally what a conversation is. It’s someone telling you, “Yeah. I am an idiot. And this is confirmation.” And then you…

Ranveer Panjabari – Internet Opinions

The human brain was not designed to have an opinion on everything. But the internet wants you to believe otherwise. No matter what you’re doing, the internet wants you to like, dislike, favorite, comment, reply. You go to calculator.com, and you calculate 15 times 73.  And the site tells you, “1095. Like, dislike, favorite, comment,…

Jerry Seinfeld – Subway Employee

The subway change-booth guy. I feel for this person. He’s in a shark cage down there. It’s this little safety chamber just floating in the subway. They give him like 28 bucks in change, they seal him up inside this thing with bulletproof glass, closed in on all sides, it’s like some kind of Houdini…

Louis CK – Honking Car

There’s 50 cars ahead of me before any light. And the guy behind me just starts–beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I look at him. And he’s honking just at me. He’s amazed that I’m not going. He’s going ‘Go! Jesus!’ Beep. ‘Just go!’ Screaming out his window at me. Like I’m driving all 50 cars…

Brian Regan – Fishing Show

You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There’s 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is “film editor.” This poor guy, he’s got to watch all the footage that’s not exciting enough to make it into the final…