The Greatest Diet in the World

This is the only diet that is scientifically proven to work. First take your weight, divide it by the circumference of your waist, and then divide that by the birthday of your cousin Beatrice. The number you’re left with is your BFYTMN, or your Body Fructose Yokohama Tire Model Number. If your BFYTMN is higher than five, and you like Charlie Sheen more than you like Emilio Estevez, that means you should eat two pounds of nectarine marmalade twice a week. But if your BFYTMN is lower than five and you like The Mighty Ducks, that means you should peel at least 75 bananas a day. Or more. That’s the beauty of this diet. You can peel as many bananas as you want. By the way–you can’t eat the bananas. Just keep peeling them.

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