Scrabble

Board games are really bizarre  They each change your personality in a specific way. Your attitude changes completely when you go from one board game to another. When you play Monopoly, you become some sort of dictatorial landlord, like Mr. Roper and Mr. Furley. You’re all like, “You kids better have my rent money!” When…

How to spell cinnamon

Sometimes I shop for groceries at a small ethnic grocery store one block from my home. One time I came across a container of cinnamon–only the label spelled it “cimonin.” I would love to hear the story behind that one. I guess the owner of that company was working on the label, and he thought,…

The only people who should be eating Cinnabons as snacks

There’s this place at the mall. It’s called Cinnabon. They sell this thing. It’s a called a Cinnabon. It’s marketed as a snack. And it contains 36 grams of fat, 59 grams of sugar, and 879 calories. Interesting. You know who should be eating snacks like that? One group, and one group only. PPBs. Professional…

We don’t need that many football stats

Sometimes you’re watching a football game, and the announcer just goes ahead and gives you the most meaningless stat imaginable. The stat has no significance whatsoever, and you’re not really even sure what the stat is. A pass is completed–and after the play, the announcer says, “This is the eighth time in three years that…

What is and isn’t a salad

People really misuse the word salad. Fruit salad, tuna salad, bean salad, potato salad. You got a plate filled with 800 calories of mayonnaise–and you think that qualifies as a salad?! Apparently, anything can be a salad, as long as someone eats it with a fork or a spoon. “Waiter. Let me get a glazed…

Coupon Laws

One time I saw a coupon for sunblock. And on the coupon, it said, “Limit of one coupon per purchase. Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day. Any other use constitutes fraud.” Very interesting. According to coupon law, if you have nine of that coupon, you can’t use all of them. You have…

The Greatest Diet in the World

This is the only diet that is scientifically proven to work. First take your weight, divide it by the circumference of your waist, and then divide that by the birthday of your cousin Beatrice. The number you’re left with is your BFYTMN, or your Body Fructose Yokohama Tire Model Number. If your BFYTMN is higher…

Brian Regan – Cranberry Juice

I don’t know what in the hell’s going on with cranberries, but they’re getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. “Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do…

Larry the Cable Guy – Do Not Eat

Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, “Do not eat.” Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin’, “Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that….

Mulla Nasrudin – Bravo

Nasrudin went hunting with the village mayor. They found a turkey, and the mayor shot and missed it. “Bravo!” Nasrudin shouted. The mayor angrily turned to him and said, “How dare you make fun of me!” “I wasn’t making fun of you,” Nasrudin replied. “I was saying bravo to the turkey!”

Ellen DeGeneres – Elevators

We always do this in an elevator. You walk up to an elevator. Someone’s already there. They’re waiting. They’ve pushed the button. The button is lit. We walk up. ‘Obviously, you didn’t push it correctly. I’ll have to push it myself. Now the elevator will come.’ Then someone else walks up, and they push the…

Chester Feynman – US History

I like talking to people. Really, I do. But the drawback to talking to people is that you find out how dumb they are. And then they confirm it over and over again. That’s generally what a conversation is. It’s someone telling you, “Yeah. I am an idiot. And this is confirmation.” And then you…