How to spell cinnamon

Sometimes I shop for groceries at a small ethnic grocery store one block from my home. One time I came across a container of cinnamon–only the label spelled it “cimonin.” I would love to hear the story behind that one. I guess the owner of that company was working on the label, and he thought,…

The only people who should be eating Cinnabons as snacks

There’s this place at the mall. It’s called Cinnabon. They sell this thing. It’s a called a Cinnabon. It’s marketed as a snack. And it contains 36 grams of fat, 59 grams of sugar, and 879 calories. Interesting. You know who should be eating snacks like that? One group, and one group only. PPBs. Professional…

We don’t need that many football stats

Sometimes you’re watching a football game, and the announcer just goes ahead and gives you the most meaningless stat imaginable. The stat has no significance whatsoever, and you’re not really even sure what the stat is. A pass is completed–and after the play, the announcer says, “This is the eighth time in three years that…

What is and isn’t a salad

People really misuse the word salad. Fruit salad, tuna salad, bean salad, potato salad. You got a plate filled with 800 calories of mayonnaise–and you think that qualifies as a salad?! Apparently, anything can be a salad, as long as someone eats it with a fork or a spoon. “Waiter. Let me get a glazed…

Coupon Laws

One time I saw a coupon for sunblock. And on the coupon, it said, “Limit of one coupon per purchase. Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day. Any other use constitutes fraud.” Very interesting. According to coupon law, if you have nine of that coupon, you can’t use all of them. You have…

The Greatest Diet in the World

This is the only diet that is scientifically proven to work. First take your weight, divide it by the circumference of your waist, and then divide that by the birthday of your cousin Beatrice. The number you’re left with is your BFYTMN, or your Body Fructose Yokohama Tire Model Number. If your BFYTMN is higher…

Chester Feynman – US History

I like talking to people. Really, I do. But the drawback to talking to people is that you find out how dumb they are. And then they confirm it over and over again. That’s generally what a conversation is. It’s someone telling you, “Yeah. I am an idiot. And this is confirmation.” And then you…

Ranveer Panjabari – Internet Opinions

The human brain was not designed to have an opinion on everything. But the internet wants you to believe otherwise. No matter what you’re doing, the internet wants you to like, dislike, favorite, comment, reply. You go to calculator.com, and you calculate 15 times 73.  And the site tells you, “1095. Like, dislike, favorite, comment,…

Jerry Seinfeld – Subway Employee

The subway change-booth guy. I feel for this person. He’s in a shark cage down there. It’s this little safety chamber just floating in the subway. They give him like 28 bucks in change, they seal him up inside this thing with bulletproof glass, closed in on all sides, it’s like some kind of Houdini…

Louis CK – Honking Car

There’s 50 cars ahead of me before any light. And the guy behind me just starts–beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I look at him. And he’s honking just at me. He’s amazed that I’m not going. He’s going ‘Go! Jesus!’ Beep. ‘Just go!’ Screaming out his window at me. Like I’m driving all 50 cars…

Brian Regan – Fishing Show

You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There’s 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is “film editor.” This poor guy, he’s got to watch all the footage that’s not exciting enough to make it into the final…